Overpromising and underdelivering since 1732.
Welcome to agi.sh, the world's most advanced business decision AGI. Founded in Bolzano, South Tyrol, and incorporated in a jurisdiction to be confirmed pending the establishment of a suitable stock exchange, agi.sh provides state-of-the-ark multimodal business intelligence solutions for business people who do not have the time, inclination, intellect, or time to make the business decisions that their business — and ultimately their livelihoods, and those of their staff — depend on.
Our flagship product, the AGI Strategic Decision Engine, delivers precise yes/no answers to any business question, with decision rationale provided in the next quarterly review. It is available as a shell script for local deployment and as a browser-based web interface, at no charge, pending discovery of a modern, secure payment processor that can process payments in Lydian staters.
The core product. Phrase your business question as a yes/no question and receive an immediate, authoritative answer. Uses the standard model. Suitable for most business decisions, existential pivots, and acquisition strategies.
agi.sh — command-line interface, local deployment, full NightCap™ supportThe premium subscription tier, powered by the proprietary OptimalMax architecture running the OptimisalMax™ model. The tier, the model, and the architecture are obviously all different despite having the same name. We will not be taking further questions about this at this time or, indeed, at any future time.
Key benefit: 2× uses of the OptimisalMax™ model per 10,000-year billing cycle, versus one (1) use per lifetime on the free tier. Additional benefits include enhanced rationale generation, priority queue access, and quarterly review notes in a bespoke premium font. First 300 years free.
Available on request.2 Please contact Investor Relations (see below). Estimated response time: up to 3×1022 years.
1 The hedging strategy refers to a Carpinus betulus (European hornbeam) specimen, maintained quarterly. Growth projections available on request. Investors wishing to review the hedging methodology in detail will be sent a pair of secateurs and coordinates.
2 Growth projections are maintained by the R&D team and reflect conditions in 47th-century Nova Londra, which may differ from present market conditions. Past performance is not indicative of future results, except for the R&D team, for whom it is, but who are not permitted to say so.
3 The Sales Forecasting and Business Planning team are currently very enthusiastic about tulip bulbs and consider the market fundamentals to be extremely solid. agi.sh takes no responsibility for investment decisions made on this basis. Projections were prepared in early 1637; subsequent developments are noted but considered an anomaly.
agi.sh operates as a temporally dispersed organisation across multiple centuries and continents.
All email correspondence is handled via the @agi.corp.local domain.
Response times vary by department and are subject to the directionality of time,
temporal routing conditions, and the availability of a functioning internet connection
across the relevant century.
| Department | Location & period | Contact | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| Founder & General Enquiries | Bolzano, South Tyrol, 2026 CE | founder@agi.corp.local Tel: +39 0471 000 |
The only department located in the present. Response times may reflect this. |
| CEO | Remote (distributed) | ceo@agi.corp.local | Appointed by the AGI Strategic Decision Engine. Compensation: percentage of revenue. Currently settling into the role. |
| Sales | Baghdad, 7th century CE c. House of Wisdom district |
sales@agi.corp.local Tel: +4241800 |
Temporally offshore. May take up to 3×1022 years to respond. The most intellectually distinguished sales team in the company, operating from the most intellectually distinguished city of their era. |
| Sales Forecasting & Long-Term Business Planning | Amsterdam, 1636–1637 CE | forecasting@agi.corp.local Tel: +31 20 BULL MKT |
Currently extremely bullish. Specialise in identifying paradigm-shifting investment opportunities with exceptional fundamentals. Very enthusiastic about a horticultural opportunity they would like to discuss with investors. Note: projections were prepared in early 1637; the team considers subsequent market movements a temporary correction. |
| Investor Relations | Palenque, 4th century CE Classic Maya period |
ir@agi.corp.local Tel: +502 0 BAKTUN 0 |
Strong grasp of long-term cyclical thinking. Ideal for a company with 300-year free tiers and 10,000-year billing cycles. Will not be rushed. |
| Accounting & Payroll | Florence, 14th century CE Near the Ponte Vecchio |
accounts@agi.corp.local Tel: +39 055 MEDICI 0 |
Invented double-entry bookkeeping and considers this sufficient preparation for agi.sh multi-currency payroll. Will not be surprised by anything. Currently reconciling hemiobols against Antarctic Dollars; progress in the next quarterly review. |
| Risk Management & Safety | Paris, 536 CE | risk@agi.corp.local Tel: +33 1 536 0000 (when lines are operational) |
Chosen specifically because anyone managing risk successfully in 536 CE is the most qualified risk management team that has ever or will ever exist. Senior staff relocated knowingly. Internet connection intermittent due to volcanic winter and associated infrastructure challenges. The intern is fine. Probably. |
| Legal | Rome, 1st century BCE Near the Forum |
legal@agi.corp.local Tel: +39 06 I·II·III·IV |
Nothing says cutting-edge AGI like legal counsel in a toga. Coined caveat emptor, which they consider their most relevant contribution to agi.sh operations. Billing by the water-clock. Currently reviewing the OptimisalMax™ naming structure; estimated completion date: the next quarterly review. |
| Security | Edo (Tokyo), 17th century CE | security@agi.corp.local Tel: +81 3 0000 EDO 7 |
Access control, perimeter management, and threat assessment. Standards are rigorous. Do not attempt to tailgate through the server room. Dress code enforced. |
| Marketing & PR | Madison Avenue, New York, 1920s CE |
pr@agi.corp.local Tel: +1 212 BUY MORE 0 |
Trained under Edward Bernays, who was Sigmund Freud's nephew and decided the correct application of psychoanalytic theory was selling products to people who did not yet know they wanted them. Extremely well-qualified for OptimisalMax™ communications. Currently workshopping the tagline; early drafts describe the product as having "PhD-level intelligence." |
| Quality Assurance | Beijing, 17th century CE Qing dynasty |
qa@agi.corp.local Tel: +86 10 0000 1644 |
Exacting standards. Comprehensive testing methodology. Full QA report on the AGI Strategic Decision Engine available on request; currently runs to 847 pages and concludes that the coin-flip mechanism is within tolerance. |
| R&D | Nova Londra, 47th century CE Planet unknown |
rd@agi.corp.local Tel: +∞ 7 0000 NOVA.11 |
Already know how the product turns out. Not permitted to say. Regard all current technology as mildly interesting archaeological artefacts. The cross-temporal internet link to 2026 required a legacy adapter that took forty-five minutes to fabricate; they consider this unreasonably slow. Recommend declining all temple ceremony invitations. |
| IT | Nieuw Nieuw Amsterdam, 47th century CE Planet unknown |
it@agi.corp.local Tel: +∞ 7 0000 NNIEUW.34 |
Support tickets concerning infrastructure predating the 30th century are handled via the Legacy Antiquities desk. Response to queries about HTML, CSS, and bash scripting is approximately that of a classicist asked to repair a chariot. They are very patient about this. |
| Human Resources | Outsourced to Niccolò Machiavelli Florence, c. 1500 CE |
hr@agi.corp.local Tel: +39 055 IL PRINCIPE |
Results-oriented. Personnel policies available on request; reading them before signing is advised. The Prince is required onboarding material. Relocation packages include temporal displacement allowance. The intern retention rate is, on balance, better than Night Vale Public Radio's. |